Monday, December 26, 2011

Clubbing Girls: An Analysis

Having been in London for a while, going to a club in Kuala Lumpur yesterday came as somewhat of a culture shock (I was on the bus earlier that evening and that was a culture shock too, I kept mentally giggling as the bus doors opened before coming to a stop and the bus accelerating before shutting the door, sometimes with the conductor hanging out yelling places they were stopping at). 

I have separated the different types of girls in clubs into -

1. Skanky girls. Skanky girls are both hot and more commonly not , but creating a category for skanky and one for sexy/hot seems a bit banal and tedious (and subjective). Skanky girls can also be fat, so there may be a slight crossover between categories. Skanky girls need no description. 

2. Fat girls. Sometimes fat girls are just the accessory to their skanky girl friends, and in some cases lack the confidence to be as skanky. If a fat & skanky girl's fat levels are much higher than her skanky ones, she is in this group. This can be a difficult thing to weigh when she is very much of both.

3. Punk/Alternative girls. These are the weird tattooed fishnet tights flippy hair girls <-- I sound like I do, but I don't have a problem with these people. They don't typically get all up in your faces despite the stereotype. I have been to places both in Central London, Camden, and Shoreditch, so I have taken a rough average of this into account when categorizing. Sometimes these are fat too.

4. Average girls. Average girls dress nice, they can be revealing but they maintain a decent level of class, average does not mean average-looking so they can be quite good-looking, or ugly. They are not fat, they are not skanky, they are not alternative, but they can be cool (or not). So I don't really mean 'Average' as in 'Plain', but more like 'Doesn't try to be anything else (eg. punk/skanky) AND is not fat.'

Basically most people in each group will have qualities of another, but it is the predominant quality that determines one's category. All the categories I have outlined are as objective as possible. Fat girls are fat. Average girls can be cool/not, ugly/pretty, thin/normal. Alternative/punk girls are just that. Skanky girls may be very prim and proper outside the smokey darkened rooms..


And now the pie chart I have created for the clubbing girl demographic in London.

Drawing a pie chart in MS Paint on WinXP is no easy feat. In Win7 it is upgraded and much nicer, but I have downgraded myself to WinXP and the MS Paint blows. You can see here that Skanky Girls are the largest demographic group. I have erred slightly the proportions in the chart should have slightly more blue and slightly less pink-red. The second largest group is Fat Girls, then Average Girls, with Punk Girls slightly smaller.

Skanky girls in London wear a lot of fake tan and eyelashes, they often don't wear bras and freeze themselves half to death being underdressed. Side boobs are a common sight. Fat girls are commonly also skanky, but they are so fat it outweighs their skankiness. I don't want to bring race into this, but just by saying that I've brought race into it. Punk girls are commonly white, there are a lot more of these in Camden areas than Central London. The ones in mainstream clubs are not even that hardcore. The hardcore ones go to this club with very strict security checks... Average girls can be hot/sexy, but not overwhelmingly so and not in a way that lowers their class. The Average Girl group in London is much larger than that in Kuala Lumpur, this provides for a much more welcoming environment. Average Girl group also ascertains that it is okay to not dress super revealingly to fit in in a club. Also, some white girls can look really good without being skanky at all, but here would be referred to as Average. 

Conversely, in Malaysia the Skanky Girl group is massive. It's so massive, it's every tourist's wet dream. It's so massive, I think my chart doesn't demonstrate how massive it is.

Most of the girls are skanky, with a small sliver of Average Girls, with an even smaller sliver of Fat Girls. If you look very, very carefully there is a tiny speck of purple for Punk Girls, but it's really only there for show. 

One thing I realize is that most Asian girls are very skinny. Skinny Asian girls have a very, very, very high tendency to buy small, tight, cheaply made clothes from random boutiques, then pour into the clubs. Because their heads are about as wide as their bodies and they look like 6 year olds in their mother's heels, it makes them look like they have no class at all. Their skinniness virtually eliminates the Fat Girl group and gives them the confidence to reveal most parts of their body, effectively pumping up the Skanky Girl group size. They probably don't wear bras either, but no one can really tell. There are very few Fat Girls in clubs in KL. Firstly because there aren't many to begin with, secondly most of the ones that exist don't want to stand there like a giant totem pole as a daisy chain of pre-pubescent shaped women circle them. Then there are the Average Girls, and there aren't many because most Asian girls are so skinny they dress skankily anyway. 

When I told my brother I was writing this post, he said something about the Skanky Girls here dancing in their own group and not picking up guys although they dress skankily. This may be true, but I'm not bringing these factors in. Fat Girls and Average Girls can also drink until they cannot handle it, then pass out on the ground with their legs spread out. That is quite skanky. So for all intents and purposes, imagine people being put into groups when they walk in the door and not based on behaviour. 

Singapore is also interesting because their proportions are largely similar to Kuala Lumpur's, except that the Skanky Girl group is even larger and the Average Girl group smaller, and Fat Girl group almost non-existent, like that of Punk Girl in KL. Fat Girls are a mythical creature in Singapore.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Death Scene

I always imagine the scene of my death to be one possibly after an accident or at the climax of an illness, one with a doctor swarming around shrieking 'She could make it!' and a really handsome, age-appropriate man shaking me by the shoulders and begging me to be okay. 'Please! Fight it!' 'You just have to fight it!' 'Don't give up!' 'You need to stay alive!'. I'd stare back groggily, and he would go on, pleading and sobbing, like I mattered so much, like I made all the difference in his world, and then I'd say I'm sorry and close my eyes again and then die, and he would just weep desolately and everyone would say sadly how I could have made it. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I'd like to make my exit. Unfortunately it will more likely end in a car accident (statistically speaking, I am a very safe driver/pedestrian :) ), or heart attack (I am very angsty), but the only way I could actually control it is by killing myself, and heck no I'm not doing that. And that makes me sad. Why can't I design my own death? Why? I didn't get to do birth, why can't I do death? Why?

Friday, December 23, 2011

If I've said it once, I'll say it a million times.

Okay, okay. I know I said I would a ton of times, but I'll really try to blog properly again. It's just that my life was completely torn apart at the end of July, and was kept in tatters for the entire month of August, but in September I started putting it back together. I'm still working on it, but for the most part it's functional. 

I had a pretty cool November. Between 5th November - 5th December, I went to 6 (that's right, mofos!) different countries, literally on opposite sides of the globe. First I went to Brussels, then back to London. Then to the English countryside of Devon/Somerset (a signboard in one of the towns said 'area of outstanding natural beauty'), then a quick stopover in Abu Dhabi (I'm cheating by counting this as a country, but I'm compensating by not emphasizing on the separate locale of London and Devon), then Kuala Lumpur, then Melbourne (Hi Albert) then Surabaya. Unfortunately only one of my journeys counts towards my airline miles, but fortunately it is the longest one.

The only way I could give that month a run for its money is if I spent an entire month going around continental Europe, but I think I would just get bored and angry. When I first got to Brussels I was mad no one spoke English and then wanted to eat McDonalds, then some fellow tried to pick my pocket and I got angry, then I kind of liked it, then I got bored of it again because there wasn't anything to do. That is a lot to go through in 3 days. I don't know what the backpackers do when they go to India for months. INDIA? MONTHS? WHAT THE TOOT.